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"You're an idiot." "You're weak."
Have you ever said critical things to yourself when you feel any emotions? If so, it may be a sign you struggle with self-worth, says psychologist Marisa Franco. That means feeling good about yourself and "treating your emotions like they matter."
The good news is that self-worth is a skill that you can learn and get better at, says Franco, author of Worth: The New Science of Self-Esteem and Secure Attachment, published in September. Drawing on the latest research in psychology and neuroscience, the book offers insights and exercises on how to build a stronger sense of value for yourself.
One effective way to do that is to revisit difficult memories, Franco says. This approach is based on memory reconsolidation theory, based on the work of behavioral neuroscientist Karim Nader.
"It's about looking back at these memories, giving yourself catharsis and allowing those feelings to move through you more so they don't continue to shape your sense of self right now," Franco says.
In a conversation with Life Kit, Franco explains the benefits of good self-esteem — and shares an exercise to boost your sense of self-worth. This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
Let's talk about memory reconsolidation. Researchers have found that we can transform our memories, and that can make us feel more worthy.
The thing about memories is they don't just record the past, they predict the future.
When you return to a memory and envision yourself intervening as an adult and saying, "You're safe, I care about you and I'm never going to leave you," it can be quite transformative.
That leads to higher self-esteem, less symptoms of trauma, and also changes in the hippocampus, which is the part of our brain where our memories are stored.
In your book, you explain how to do a memory reconsolidation exercise called reparenting (see instructions above). It asks you, as your current self, to provide reassurance to your younger self as a way to work through a troubling past event. Can you share an example?
One of the memories I reconsolidated was the experience of being a kid whose mom showed up late to soccer practice. I was one of the only kids of color [on the team]. When I go back to that memory, I can viscerally experience how I felt ashamed, embarrassed and different from everyone else.
I picture my current self showing up before my mom gets there. Adult me looks so excited to see younger me. Adult me gives younger me a hug and says, "Oh my gosh, I'm so happy that I get to pick you up. Even though your mom is late, she loves you."
How does this exercise make you feel?
It allows me to see the good in the world, to not evaluate things based off of the negativity eclipsing everything good about it. [It makes me] feel more valued, more enthusiastic, less afraid, bolder.
Why is it worth addressing low self-esteem?
All the beauties of life slip off of you when you have lower self-esteem. You can experience great success and still feel like a failure. You can find great love and still feel unlovable. So your ability to internalize the good is disrupted by your own sense of self.
If we're able to feel good about ourselves, we are able to receive all the good happening in our lives more deeply.
More Life Kit on self-esteem
What's your attachment style? Take this quiz to find out. According to the field of attachment theory, each person has a unique attachment style that informs how that person relates to intimacy: secure, anxious or avoidant. We talk with Amir Levine, a neuroscientist and co-author of the book Attached, about how your attachment style can impact your relationships.
Stop hurting your own feelings: Tips on quashing negative self-talk. Can't stop thinking mean thoughts about yourself? Researchers and psychologists share how to break the cycle.
How to stop stewing about something you've taken (a little too) personally. Being offended by something that someone did or said can be upsetting — but it doesn't have to eat away at us. Mental health experts share how to slow down and gain clarity when things get personal.
This digital story was edited by Meghan Keane. It was fact-checked by Andrea López-Cruzado. The visual editor is CJ Riculan.
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