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Who's Bill This Time?

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: The following program was taped before an audience of no one.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. Bring the beef. You're about to get a big plate of spaghetti Bill-ognese (ph). I'm Bill Kurtis. And here is your host, a man who Peter Sagal is hoping does a terrible job, Maz Jobrani.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

MAZ JOBRANI, HOST:

Thank you, Bill. I am Maz Jobrani, and I'm so excited to be back guest-hosting for a second week in a row. As you know, Peter and his wife had a baby boy last week, so he's taking a little time off to be with them. Who knew that raising a kid took more than a week? While Peter is knee-deep in diapers, why don't you give us a call and play our games? The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Now it's time to welcome our first listener contestant.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JACKIE MCKEOWN: Hi, my name's Jackie Mckeown. I'm calling from Ormond Beach, Fla.

JOBRANI: Hello, Jackie Mckeown from Ormond Beach, Fla. Thanks for joining us. What do you do over there?

MCKEOWN: I teach high school.

JOBRANI: Oh, wow. How brave of you.

MAEVE HIGGINS: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: Are you guys - I'm in California. Are you guys doing in-person schooling right now?

MCKEOWN: So we do. We're doing, like, the in-person and at the same time the hybrid. So yeah - kids in front of me, I also have kids on Zoom.

JOBRANI: So which do you prefer, the in-person or the Zoom?

MCKEOWN: Honestly, if everything was perfect, the - probably the face-to-face. But you know what? We do what we can.

JOBRANI: Well, we appreciate what you're doing over there, teaching these kids in Florida in Ormond Beach. And we appreciate you being here with us.

MCKEOWN: Thank you.

JOBRANI: Let me introduce you to our panel. First up, a comedian you can see doing "The 5 O'Clock Somewhere News" on Instagram and YouTube, Adam Burke.

MCKEOWN: Hi.

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ADAM BURKE: Hi. How's it going, Jackie?

JOBRANI: Next, a contributing writer for The New York Times and host of the climate justice podcast Mothers of Invention, Maeve Higgins.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

HIGGINS: Hi, Jackie.

MCKEOWN: Hi, Maeve.

JOBRANI: And correspondent for "CBS Sunday Morning" and author of The New York Times bestselling "Mobituaries: Great Lives Worth Reliving," Mo Rocca.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

MO ROCCA: Hi, Jackie.

MCKEOWN: Hi, Mo.

JOBRANI: Welcome to the show, Jackie. You're going to play Who's Bill this time? Bill Kurtis is going to read you three quotes from this week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you'll win our prize - any voice you choose from our show on your voicemail. You ready?

MCKEOWN: Sure am.

JOBRANI: All right. Your first quote is from a 91-year-old British man on Tuesday.

KURTIS: Well, there's no point in dying now when I've lived this long.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: That man was talking to CNN after he became one of the first people in the world to get what?

HIGGINS: The COVID vaccine.

JOBRANI: Yes...

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HIGGINS: Yay.

JOBRANI: That is right.

(SOUNDBITE OF APPLAUSE SOUND EFFECT)

JOBRANI: The first dose of the COVID vaccine went to a 90-year-old woman in Britain on Monday. She received the honor by camping out all week in front of a Walgreens to be first in line.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Now, this part is true. The second vaccine went to a guy whose actual name is William Shakespeare (ph). I guess he decided to be.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: He - I got more. I got more. He Ham-let (ph) them give him the vaccine.

HIGGINS: You've had days to come up with this, Maz.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: I hope they didn't give it to him in the Coriolanus.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: See, that's the problem. By this point of the week, all the good Shakespeare jokes have been taken...

HIGGINS: Yeah.

JOBRANI: ...You see? We're only left with the minor characters.

ROCCA: We're left with those horrible dramedies...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: There you go.

ROCCA: ...The problem plays. Ugh.

JOBRANI: Well, you guys know, the - first of all, they're giving it to seniors first because, well, what's the worst that could happen?

HIGGINS: Not seniors in high school - senior seniors.

JOBRANI: Senior seniors...

HIGGINS: Unless it was a senior senior who went back to high school to meet somebody.

ROCCA: Oh, that is a great pitch, Maeve. Get that to your agent right away.

BURKE: (Laughter).

HIGGINS: And did you see that the - actually, the woman who got it in England was actually Irish. Not that it matters, but she actually was Irish - is Irish.

JOBRANI: Oh, the first lady that got it was Irish.

BURKE: Of course, it was an Irish woman. They heard they were giving away free shots, and she just elbowed people out of the way.

HIGGINS: (Laughter) Adam, that's a good joke.

ROCCA: Can I just say - I just want to say I feel a little pressure being the only non-Irish panelist.

BURKE: (Laughter).

ROCCA: I mean, it's kind of giving me an Ulster, the pressure.

BURKE: (Laughter) Oh, my God.

ROCCA: But...

BURKE: I think that's the problem. That's going to be part of the public relations thing with the vaccine, though, because they're giving it to 90-year-olds, and then they're, like, look, they're all better. And everyone's, like, are they, though? Because...

KURTIS: (Laughter) How do you tell?

BURKE: I mean, she still looks 90. She's...

JOBRANI: Going to be a...

BURKE: (Unintelligible).

JOBRANI: It's going to be a bunch of 90-year-olds going on tour around the world.

BURKE: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: But that's just the Rolling Stones.

BURKE: Yeah, it's...

ROCCA: It's like a global "Cocoon." I love it.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: All right. Let's go on to Jackie's next quote.

KURTIS: I'm a little intoxicated. I'm not going to lie.

JOBRANI: That was a young Mark Zuckerberg on the night he got the idea for a website which this week was sued by 46 states. What website?

MCKEOWN: Facebook.

JOBRANI: Yes....

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JOBRANI: ...Jackie.

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JOBRANI: On Tuesday, we got the news that attorneys general from 46 states plus D.C. and Guam have filed an antitrust case against Facebook - although we saw this news on Facebook, so who knows if it's true? So Facebook responded to the lawsuit from 46 states by buying those 46 states.

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: Oh, no.

ROCCA: Can I just say that the way that Maz said and Guam reminded me a little bit of, like, Angelica, Eliza and Peggy...

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: And Guam - like it was a punchline.

BURKE: And Guam.

JOBRANI: But that's kind of how it feels when Guam kind of tags along into this lawsuit.

ROCCA: And what about American Samoa? Like, what's with them and Mark Zuckerberg? But they usually are just totally tagging along with Guam, but is this, like, their rebellious stage now?

BURKE: This feels, like, really - like a really niche stand-up routine you're doing here.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: What's the deal with American Samoa?

HIGGINS: It also - it does feel a little bit like, let's mock the protectorates.

BURKE: (Laughter).

HIGGINS: Lets all come out as the imperialists we truly are.

ROCCA: Would one of you guys open for me at that GO?

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: So they're trying to break up Facebook. Now, if successful, the suit will force Facebook to break up into smaller companies like Eyebook, Nosebook, Earbook, Elbowbook.

ROCCA: I heard Zuckerberg was so upset - he looked so upset, he blinked. He...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: That guy - I mean, what - if they sued me, and I was worth 50 billion, I'd be, like, eh, whatever. I mean, why would he even wake up and - why'd he even go to the court? Like, just let it go. Just live your life.

HIGGINS: Just let it go. Get yourself an eyelash tint and stop having bad ideas that ruin the world.

JOBRANI: Yes.

BURKE: (Laughter).

HIGGINS: That's what I did 20 years ago. Look at me now.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: He can...

ROCCA: Your eyelashes look great, and you've done so much good for the world, Maeve.

BURKE: (Laughter).

HIGGINS: Thank you so much.

JOBRANI: Well, here's your last quote.

KURTIS: Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle like a bowl of soup.

JOBRANI: Those were some of the many lyrics obviously worth $300 million as who sold their entire music catalog this week?

MCKEOWN: Is it Bob Dylan?

JOBRANI: Yes, Jackie.

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JOBRANI: It is Bob Dylan.

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JOBRANI: He sold his entire music catalog to Universal for $300 million. Man, that'll buy a lot of (mumbling)...

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: The truth is, you know, Universal is not sure what they got because the negotiation was, like, (mumbling).

BURKE: (Laughter).

JOBRANI: They thought they got the catalog. He thought he sold them his cat and dog.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: Maz, can you tell us what it's - what that mumble is written as on the script?

JOBRANI: It's written as indecipherable. (Singing) Indecipherable...

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: That's my favorite song of his, by the way.

JOBRANI: (Singing) Indecipherable (mumbling).

BURKE: The indecipherable blues.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

ROCCA: I want him to use that money to now buy Taylor Swift's catalog and rerecord it.

(LAUGHTER)

ROCCA: This is a cue for somebody to, a la Bob Dylan, sing a Taylor Swift song, which I can't summon at the moment.

HIGGINS: No, no. It's better that you don't (laughter). I just want to see Bob Dylan with, like a French braid...

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: ...Outside in the woods in, like, a plaid shirt.

JOBRANI: You know whose catalog he could buy? Because I don't know if you guys heard about this - Stevie Nicks also sold...

ROCCA: Yes.

JOBRANI: ...Her catalog this week, so - yeah, leading Apple to introduce the new Fleetwood MacBook. It's just like a normal MacBook, except it sleeps with all of your other electronics.

BURKE: (Laughter) Yes.

HIGGINS: A dated burn...

(LAUGHTER)

HIGGINS: ...Still a burn.

BURKE: I'm looking forward to the headline in six months' time when Bob Dylan breaks his own neck with a solid gold harmonica holder.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: You know, but it is crazy that Bob Dylan of all people is selling out. I mean, what about the days when he was a pure artist who only did Victoria's Secret commercials and a Pepsi commercial and an IBM commercial? You know, we shouldn't be shocked he sold out. We should be amazed at how many times one guy could sell out.

HIGGINS: Wait, he did an IBS commercial.

JOBRANI: IBM, not IBS.

HIGGINS: Oh.

BURKE: (Laughter).

ROCCA: I would have respected him more if he'd done an IBS commercial.

BURKE: He is the - I mean, his voice is the sound of IBS.

(LAUGHTER)

BURKE: That's what it's - that sounds like a stomach that's in distress.

JOBRANI: Bill, how did Jackie do?

KURTIS: Jackie was wonderful - all three. She'll go back to that high school and be a hero. Thanks, Jackie.

JOBRANI: Jackie, thank you for joining us.

MCKEOWN: Thank you so much.

BURKE: Bye, Jackie.

MCKEOWN: Thank you, guys.

ROCCA: Thank you, Jackie.

MCKEOWN: Bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "THE MAN IN ME")

BOB DYLAN: (Singing) La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...

(SOUNDBITE OF CASH REGISTER SOUND EFFECT)

DYLAN: (Singing) La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la...

(SOUNDBITE OF CASH REGISTER SOUND EFFECT)

DYLAN: (Singing) La, la, la...

(SOUNDBITE OF CASH REGISTER SOUND EFFECT)

DYLAN: (Singing) La, la, la, la...

(SOUNDBITE OF CASH REGISTER SOUND EFFECT)

DYLAN: (Singing) La, la, la, la, la... Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.