BILL KURTIS: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I don't dance now. I make money moves.
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: I'm Cardi Bill (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Thank you, everybody. Thank you so much. We have a great show for you today because we're going to be talking to actor Laurie Metcalf later on. You know her from "Roseanne" and the movie "Lady Bird." But first, there is suddenly a job opening in Washington - namely, speaker of the House. But as they look for a replacement, it is important to remember that according to the rules of the House, the speaker - and this is true - does not have to be a member of the House of Representatives - doesn't have to be even a politician or elected to any office. It could be anybody. So why not a speaker of the House whose skill is actually speaking?
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: Hello.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Imagine the advantages. The most boring policy announcements become exciting.
KURTIS: The motion to reconsider is laid upon the table.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Or sexy.
KURTIS: Let's discuss it in conference committees, senator.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So if you'd like to have Bill as your...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Personal speaker, give us a call. The number is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.
MICHAEL ZAHARIS: Yes. It's Michael Zaharis in Trophy Club, Texas.
SAGAL: Michael Zaharis from where?
ZAHARIS: Trophy Club, Texas.
SAGAL: Trophy Club, Texas - is that the name of a town?
ZAHARIS: It actually is the name of a town with a mayor and everything.
SAGAL: Wow, Trophy Club - and where did that name come from?
ZAHARIS: Supposedly, they were going to build a country club here, and it was going to house Ben Hogan the golfer's trophies. But the deal fell through, so we didn't get the trophies. But it was that...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So it's - basically, you're living in a lie.
(LAUGHTER)
ZAHARIS: Pretty much. Pretty much.
SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Michael. Let me introduce you to our panel. This week, first up, it is the author and humorist who's thinking of running for Congress in order to spend less time with his family. It's Tom Bodett.
(APPLAUSE)
TOM BODETT: Hello, Michael.
SAGAL: Next, it's a contributor to CBS Sunday Morning and the host of "Science Goes To The Movies" on PBS - it has its own YouTube channel now - it's Faith Salie.
(APPLAUSE)
FAITH SALIE: Howdy, Michael.
SAGAL: And finally, it's the comedian appearing at the Robin theater in Lansing, Mich., on June 17. It's Adam Burke.
ADAM BURKE: Hello, Michael.
(APPLAUSE)
BURKE: How are you?
SAGAL: So Michael, you're going to play Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to start us off with three quotations in the week's news. Your job - correctly identify or explain just two of them. Do that, and you'll win our prize - the voice of anyone on our show for your voicemail. But you should pick Bill. Ready to play?
ZAHARIS: Yes, I am.
SAGAL: All right. Your first quote is from Senator John Kennedy of Louisiana.
KURTIS: Your user agreement sucks.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Senator Kennedy was grilling somebody who was testifying before Congress this week. Who is it?
ZAHARIS: That would be Mark Zuckerberg.
SAGAL: Yes, the Zuckster (ph).
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: Mark Zuckerberg. The Senate tried to take on Facebook this week, and they failed. Mainly, it was just Zuckerberg explaining the company in as simple terms as he could to a bunch of grandpas.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: No, Senator, there is no actual book.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Senator Patrick Leahy would have challenged Zuckerberg more, but he was late because he left the first page of his printed-out MapQuest map at home.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: We learned a lot about Mark Zuckerberg this week - the guy who runs all our lives. For example, he is a very little guy. He's so short - this is true - that he needed a booster seat while sitting in front of the witness table. The worst part was when his testimony was over, he couldn't get up and leave because somebody forgot to undo the safety strap.
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: And I thought the sippy cup was just kind of over the top.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: I liked that one of them called him, listen, Mr. Zuckerman (ph).
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Really? Did that happen?
SALIE: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
BURKE: I love people getting angry about something that they don't know what it is. That's so - how dare you do the thing that it is. What is it that you do (laughter)?
SAGAL: Yes, right.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: What is this book of faces that you have?
BODETT: Well, this is the thing I don't quite - all you hear about Facebook is that everybody lies on it, right?
SAGAL: Right.
BODETT: Like, they make their lives look more interesting...
SAGAL: Yeah.
BODETT: ...And all the stuff that...
BURKE: They claim they're not Russian.
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: Right. And now everyone's upset because, you know, this company stole all this data or has their hands on all of this data. But none of it is true, so who cares?
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Exactly.
BODETT: So what does it matter?
SAGAL: Yes, the Russians know you're dating a model.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: All right. Michael, your next quote is the president of the United States.
KURTIS: Attorney-client privilege is dead - a total witch hunt.
SAGAL: That was the president responding to the FBI raiding the offices of whom?
ZAHARIS: Michael Cohen.
SAGAL: Yes - his lawyer...
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: ...Michael Cohen.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Michael Cohen is the president's longtime personal lawyer and fixer. He's led an interesting life. He's a former ambulance chaser - literally, that's how he would get law clients. And he became the guy Trump turns to when he needs to pay off, you know, porn stars, playmates. He's like the sleazeball son Donald Trump already has two of.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The FBI agents descended on Cohen's office and his apartment and his hotel room, which is a normal thing for honest people to have in the city in which they live.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: They seized records related to the Stormy Daniels payoff and the payoff of another of Trump's mistresses and information related to the famous "Access Hollywood" tape. This is the naughtiest the FBI has gotten to be since J. Edgar Hoover himself came up with that female body inspector T-shirt gag.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: There is also something called a taint team.
SAGAL: Yes - the taint team.
SALIE: That is the best name ever.
SAGAL: Which is not Stormy Daniels's latest film, but...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: But the taint - this is, like - so the idea is, like, if you raid...
SALIE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: ...You seize evidence from somebody's lawyer...
BODETT: Do they have jackets?
SAGAL: Taint...
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: It's so good.
SAGAL: No, the idea, I should explain, is if you seize evidence from somebody's attorney, you have to make sure that it's not violating attorney-client privilege. So before it goes to the investigators, it has to go to the taint team...
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: It's...
SAGAL: Because they look at it...
SALIE: ...Consensual violation.
SAGAL: And they look - no, they look at it, and they go, oh, that t'aint (ph) nothing.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The thing is, I mean, everybody is talking about, like, lawyer-client privilege, oh, my God. But he really wasn't his lawyer. He didn't do any legal work for Trump and hasn't for years. He was more of a fixer - meaning he paid off so many of Trump's mistresses that he was always saying, I got to get that guy fixed.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: Wait, you - when you were listing all the things they were looking for...
SAGAL: Yeah.
SALIE: ...And trying not to taint...
SAGAL: (Laughter).
SALIE: ...You skipped the whole doorman thing.
SAGAL: Oh, the doorman. Yeah. Well, the doorman thing happened - it's been a long week, Faith. Give me a break.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: But some dude named Dino, of course...
SAGAL: Dino the doorman.
SALIE: Dino the doorman...
BODETT: Of course it's Dino.
SALIE: ...Was paid $30,000 not to talk about Trump's illegitimate kid.
SAGAL: Right.
SALIE: Well, who - by the way, the media is calling this a love child, which is...
SAGAL: No. It's not - love does not have much to do with it.
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: No.
SAGAL: I think...
SALIE: He has no love...
SAGAL: Technically, it was a vaguely bored and antsy child.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: So Michael, we're going to leave that topic as quickly as we can...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...And move on to your last quote. Here it is.
KURTIS: (Imitating British accent) I gets a email inviting me...
(LAUGHTER)
KURTIS: ...(Imitating British accent) And I thinks, it's got to be an April Fools' joke.
(LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: That was very good, Bill. That was a British woman...
SALIE: (Laughter).
SAGAL: ...As was obvious...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Talking to The Daily Mail newspaper. She was one of 2,600 perfectly normal, everyday people who got invited to what big event next month?
ZAHARIS: The wedding of Meghan Markle and the Prince Harry?
SAGAL: Yes, exactly right.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
SAGAL: You've got their names right.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Good for you - the royal wedding. Prince Harry of the United Kingdom will marry American actress Meghan Markle next month, and 2,600 non-royals - also known as, quote, "the hoi polloi" or, quote, "the emergency food supply..."
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...Are getting invited as a show of the couple's common touch. They should not get excited, though. They're just being invited to the grounds of Windsor Castle to observe the couple going by into the church. They're not invited to the ceremony.
BODETT: Isn't that called the tour?
SAGAL: Yeah, pretty much.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: They're not going to the ceremony. They are certainly not invited to the reception. Anyone as much as touching a pig in a blanket gets beheaded.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: The guests were selected by the royal family because of their work with charities or schools, as the case may be. And each invitee will be given a team of mice and birds to help them transform their rags into a gown...
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: ...In time for the wedding.
BURKE: Also, I like that - nothing make you feel better about - than a prince going, oh, we invited regular people. Oh, thanks so much.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Really, that's not why you want to go to a royal wedding - is to meet some regular people.
BODETT: Yeah.
SAGAL: Yeah.
SALIE: You're leaving out some great details, though.
SAGAL: Oh, please, Faith.
SALIE: The rumor - according to British Vogue, the rumor is that she might have - Serena Williams might be a bridesmaid.
SAGAL: Oh, really?
SALIE: Isn't that cool?
SAGAL: That's exciting.
SALIE: Yes. And the cake is going to be (imitating British accent) lemon elderflower...
(LAUGHTER)
SALIE: ...With a taste of spring. I don't know what that tastes like, but...
SAGAL: They've announced the cake?
SALIE: Yes - oh, yes, Peter. Where have you been?
BODETT: So I'm glad...
(LAUGHTER)
BODETT: I'm glad I'm not going.
SALIE: I'm sorry.
BODETT: I hate it when they do the fancy cake thing at weddings.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BODETT: It should just be...
SALIE: You just want the sheet cake?
BODETT: ...White sheet cake. That's what you should get at weddings.
BURKE: The problem with that cake is...
BODETT: I'm glad I'm not going.
(LAUGHTER)
SAGAL: Bill, how did Michael do on our quiz?
KURTIS: He did wonderfully. And he got every one right.
SAGAL: Congratulations.
SALIE: Trophy.
KURTIS: How he did that, I don't know.
SALIE: He gets the trophy.
(APPLAUSE)
SAGAL: Now finally, Trophy Town, Texas, has a trophy, I guess.
ZAHARIS: We've redeemed ourselves.
SAGAL: Congratulations, Michael. Thanks so much for playing.
ZAHARIS: Thank you very much.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "I'M JUST WILD ABOUT HARRY")
JUDY GARLAND: (Singing) I'm just wild about Harry, and Harry's wild about me. The heavenly blisses of his kisses fills me with ecstasy. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.